Recents in Beach

Loaf Oaf Has Lockdown On Toast

Man holding baguette on island

A man from Bournemouth was arrested on the Scottish Island of Stornaway last night after travelling 650 miles for a loaf of bread despite claiming he had simply got lost trying to find his local bakery.

A tearful Brendan Bloomer told the Badger “I’ve been in f**kin' lockdown so long I’ve forgotten everything about where I live. I guess I should have realised I’d gone wrong after the four petrol stops and the ferry.

My life’s just collapsing into a bad dream of Love Island, pot noodles, strong cider and increasingly painful masturbation.”

Police later reported that two suitcases, several fishing rods, a low rent call girl and a map of Wales were recovered from the boot of the man’s car.