Recents in Beach

Vegan Apocalypse


The vegan community is in uproar over Nottingham University's research findings on sentient bacteria, published this week in New Scientist.

Professor Pavlov Dingue, Head of Biomedical Sciences, explains: "Quorum Sensing is what we are calling it, namely the ability of bacteria to communicate with each other using signalling molecules which are released into the environment.  This revolutionises our general perception of many single, simple organisms inhabiting our world - it seems that bacteria are indeed sentient."

So why the uproar?

Veganism is defined to be "a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude—as far as is possible and practicable—all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose." (source: The Vegan Society) . The point being that animals are sentient and to cause suffering to sentient beings is considered to be cruel and unjust.

Bacteria however have, up until now at least, been fair game for vegans.

"It's horrifying," said Phoenix Riverdew, CEO of the Vegan Society. "All this time we thought we were doing good, but we have caused untold suffering to our little germ friends.  Of course, it's not practical to avoid killing them by accident since they are so very small, but we will immediately be lobbying the government to ban all disinfectants and antibiotics."

Mark Phukem, director of Hell Yeah, It's Vegan, disagrees: "Even if the science is correct, which I doubt, bacteria are not animals, they are prokaryotes, and hence excluded from our Divine charter. If your conscience is bothering you, I suggest you rinse your food carefully in lukewarm water. Bacteria can presumably swim or else they wouldn't have survived the Flood."