Recents in Beach

Spare Any Change, Gov?

The UK government rocked the nation yesterday as it outlined a multimillion pound campaign for the homed.

Priti Patel, UK Home Secretary, told the Badger,” It’s a terrific step forward. ‘Go Homed’ is one our most exciting and important projects for 2020.

I think people sometimes forget how stressful it is to have a roof over your head with heat, running water, electricity, Sky Cinema and a nice shed. We want to really reach out to help the most vulnerable,  especially those who struggle on incomes of £60K and above.”

So, how will the government help?

“First of all we will provide free internet, Netflix and a PlayStation 4 for each household. We might even throw in a free porn subscription for Dad!

And we want to create safe environments where the homed can come together and share their experiences, feel loved and cared about, so we will be setting up free restaurants in all UK towns. These will provide food, drink and onsite counselling services.

For those needing a break we will be providing free hotel accommodation so people can recharge. And we understand that running a home can be hard work and tiring so we will be introducing a free home care service.”

Home care service?

“Yes. We will employ very poor people to help out around the house. You know, mow the lawn, tidy up the garden, clean the house and even mind the kids so parents can pop to the cinema or go for a sneaky shag in the shed. And we can guarantee they will recycle the rubbish. 100%!”

We also recognise that modern life is not cheap. Buying stuff online you don’t need is easy to do and can be stressful, so we are encouraging the homed to put buckets outside their front doors and we implore the public to give generously!”

So what about the homeless?

“Hmm, nasty business. We just wish they could show a bit more initiative. You know, get jobs, stop moaning about the cold and littering up cafe doorways. And enough with the sob stories, show some backbone!

But we are determined to sort this issue out too. It’s a key aspect for building our stronger post Brexit Britain.”

So what will the government actually do? 

“We want to encourage homeless people to travel. A change of scene would do them good. I hear the south of Spain is nice and it’s warm all year round.”

Wow. That doesn’t sound very nice or practical.

“Well we do have a fleet of ferries lined up...”

Arthur Blanket, spokesman for UK charity ‘Off the Streets’ later told the Badger: “This is just an outrage. Awful, and typical of this government. I mean, everybody knows that homeless people prefer the south of France and make lousy gardeners.”