Recents in Beach

Musical Differences Kills off Armageddon

Big D and the Horseman Quartet Band

Humankind rejoiced yesterday after Satan announced he had no imminent plans for the apocalypse because his band, ‘Big D and the Horseman Quartet’ had split up.

Speaking from his Malibu condo, a weary Devil told an increasingly terrified Badger, “Since time began we were a funk band. That’s how the end times should be. A soundtrack of deep grooves, twisty melodies and cool vocals.

But over time White, Red, Black and Pale started to want a more extreme sound. I’d come into the studio and they’d been riffing to Slayer or Metallica. Before long it was Cannibal Corpse or Morbid Angel. Death Metal is such a cliché.

The tension became unbearable. We had so many heated rows. It was inevitable be would go our separate ways.

For eternity, we had the world at our feet. ‘Nine Circles of Funk’ and ‘Funkin Hell’ were smash hits and we were selling out stadiums and souls. Now I’m back at square one, trying to piece together a solo project and playing the sh*tty club circuit again.

Worst of all, I can’t run a badly needed end of the world project without the old band. Pale plays such an awesome slap bass and those seals don’t open by magic!

It’s quite embarrassing to be frank. I keep having to let Trump's calls to go to voicemail. He seems very keen!”