Recents in Beach

Lesbian Nut Job Claims Giant Rock Ruined Everything

Renowned lesbian activist and half-arsed astronomer, Henny Backwater, shocked the world yesterday by claiming all lifeforms on earth were originally lesbian or gay. She also explained that heterosexual males only came into being after a phallic shaped asteroid hit the planet around 30BC.

An aggrieved Backwater told the Badger, “Before the giant cock-rock hit, the world was a peaceful and very lovely place. Female with female, male with male. Human and beast.

No war, no beer, no football, no strip clubs, no farting, no dick jokes and no letching. Everywhere was safe and pleasant, from camp grizzly bears playing badminton in North America, submissive Elephants battling at chess in the rainforests, and naked babes mud-wrestling in the dunes of Sudan.

It was a time of perfect harmony and equal-rights protests.”

Wait, equal-rights protests?

“Of course. No matter what the situation, you must always strive for equality, even when you have it. Protest, protest, and protest again. A wombat with a rainbow placard was not an uncommon thing.”

So, tell us about the giant cock-rock?

“It arrived with fire, brimstone and a single star. Then came the bearded man with the instruction manual and an army of straight men who enforced heterosexuality across the world. Soon after came conflict, famine and enslavement. And here we are still.”

Crikey, heavy stuff. So what about the animals?

“The same thing happened. Enforced mating broke out everywhere and with every species. The animal world went wild.

And not a single penguin has played cricket since.”