Recents in Beach

Chart Topping

Suicidal music picture

Matt Hancock came under fire yesterday after the Health Secretary announced a blacklist of the top five albums most likely to lead to suicide. It is part of the government's new ‘Go Mental’ initiative for tackling mental health problems in the UK.

‘Parachutes’ by Coldplay topped the chart, with ‘+’ by Ed Sheeran, at number 2, ‘My World 2.0’ by Justin Bieber, number 3, ‘Any Christmas Music’ by Various, number 4 and ‘Art Pop’ by Lady Gaga completing the list.

An agitated Hancock told the Badger, “I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. This is evil and frightful music that has the potential to do serious harm.

I can’t believe anyone would disagree with Coldplay topping the list. The same sour songs over and over is bad enough but the vocalist? It makes my teeth itch just thinking about that whiney, consciously decoupled clown. This music has people rushing to bridges across the country.

Sheeran? Ginger people already had enough challenges in life before this dusty tramp turned up with his tiny guitar and six-form lyrics about how difficult it is for a ginger to get laid. Songs should be evocative not factual.

Bieber? Ghastly. It’s worse than bag pipe reggae and lute death metal put together.

Sadly, Christmas Music was always going to feature. Eating, drinking and spending money you don’t have is depressing enough, without adding in endless merry drivel about snow, Santa Claus and feeding African children.

Finally, Gaga. Clever pop? No. It’s very silly and very risky to health. And you can’t trust an artist who paints a shoebox silver and straps it on their crotch.

We intent to classify all of this music as a class B drug. It’s a gateway drug into serious self harm.”

An apoplectic Ernest Problem, spokesman for mental health charity ‘Hazy Crazy’, told us, ”This is just outrageous. Unthinkable. And utterly crass when considering the delicacy of this subject matter.

I mean, everybody knows that Christmas music is far more damaging than Coldplay. And how in God’s name is ‘The Wall’ by Pink Floyd not on the list? It’s a bonafide 80 minute ‘how to’ guide.”

Ok then. Go mental.