Recents in Beach

Save The Wail

Extinction rebellion activist glues himself to a bus

An extinction rebellion activist was left inconsolable yesterday, after discovering the glue he had used to cement himself to a bus in Leicester Square was made from whale.

Looking up at the sky, Damien Beetroot, 23 from Aldershot, wailed, “This is the worst thing I have ever done. I don’t think I can carry on with life. Those poor whales!”

The PC attending the scene took over 10 minutes to read Beetroot his rights because he couldn’t stop laughing. A concerned witness later said, “The police guy was very unprofessional. He’d get halfway through his speech and then start pissing himself. It happened seven or eight times. I felt really sorry for the boy - I think he was trying to wave his arms and legs about to emphasise his grief but alas, the glue was very good.”

After calming down, the puffy-eyed PC told our reporter, “I know you shouldn’t laugh. But this is just priceless. The irony! It’s made my day. No, in fact, it’s made my year!” At that, the policeman collapsed into laughing again, and walked off holding his sides.

FinFix, the Japanese manufacturers of the glue, were unavailable for comment although an industry expert did suggest they were, “probably out fishing.”