Recents in Beach

Outrage as South Western Rail reveal ‘good service’ error

South Western Rail Commuter Misery with Jacob Rees-Mogg

UK train company, South Western Rail, was in disarray this morning after an internal audit revealed that they, ‘in all likelihood’, provided a good service to customers on Thursday 17 April, 2016. 

CEO, Bob ‘Fat Controller’ Edwards, has been relieved of his duties, awarded a £250 million payoff and a free-for life train pass for Thameslink. The share price has plummeted by 45 percent.

Mildew Clunge, Director of External Communications told the Badger, “This is just horrible. We are so so sorry. It must have been such a shock to our customers. It probably ruined their day.  

We have no idea how this happened but let me be very clear, we will not let it happen again. A thorough review of our core service, oversight and governance process is already in train."

Asked whether the incident could be viewed as a good thing, Clung, clearly irritated by the question, replied, “Are you f*cking joking? You want trains on time? Trains with drivers who can be arsed to turn up? Conductors not on strike? Signals that work? Sunday travel without engineering work? People not standing for £20 a pop? Refreshment carts able to miraculously navigate through sardine packed carriages, and then not run out of sandwiches after 5 minutes? Nonsense! Just utter nonsense! You are a very naive and foolish man.”

Why, thank you!

It was also denied that the rail firm had employed people to throw leaves on the tracks, grease rails, throw water on signal boxes, drive cars into rail bridges, light fires by the rail side or throw themselves in front of trains.

It was also confirmed later that Bob Edwards had been apprehended by the NUT’s secret police on his way home from a quiet night out to Spearmint Rhino, and was later executed.