Recents in Beach

Jam Making Cult pan Mayans and plum for new Armageddon date

Jam alien world

A jam-making cult from Bournemouth shocked the world yesterday by announcing that humanity would end next year on May 12th. They told stunned reporters at this year's ‘Preserves and Faith’ conference in Hastings, that ‘the jam had told them so.’

Mary Horseman (the 4th), lead cleric of ‘The Jammy Godgers’ , later told the Badger, “ We are so relieved that the message is finally out. After so many years of toil, jam-making and earnest prayer, it is all finally worthwhile. We have our sign. ”

We dared to ask how.

“We had just finished making plum jam and were about to do the washing up. And then I saw it at the bottom of the pan. 12.05.20 written in burnt fruit and sugar. I knew what it meant immediately. I told the group and we began the ritual.”

Ritual?

“It is a requirement of the Godger scriptures once the sign is confirmed. So we stripped naked, rubbed each other down in various homemade preserves, put on some Pink Floyd and rolled around on the floor of my front room, hollering like banshees. It was all a bit messy to be honest and we all have sore throats.”

We then asked how confident she was of the date.

“Oh very. It’s not like that Mayan 2012 nonsense or false prophecies from Nostradamus or Jim Jones. This is the real deal. We’ve made the cool aid, got our towels and we’re ready to go to Sandwich5!”

Sigh. Sandwich5?

“It’s a planet. On the day of the event we will be picked up by a giant jam jar shaped spaceship and taken there. We will make jam, preach jam, and eats lots and lots of jam. The rest of you, especially the Marmalade heretics, will face an end times of fire, brimstone and damnation.”

Later in the day it was confirmed that the nine members of Jammy Godgers, who all have type-2 diabetes and very few teeth, had been arrested and moved to a secure unit In Poole. A Doctor later told us, “Well the first thing we’ve done is put them all on a salad diet and upped their insulin. I mean May 12 is quite near, but none of them will make it based on their current glucose levels.”

The Doctor was later seen leaving the hospital with a fruity looking religious book under his arm.