Recents in Beach

Has Bean toasted by Michelin Star Chefs

Gordon Ramsey Baked Beans photograph

Twelve of the most revered chefs on the planet crowned the 2019 Master Chef champion yesterday, and claimed his final dish ‘Beans on Toast’ was ‘the world’s greatest ever cookery achievement.’

Head judge, Brian Sweat-Bread, who has forty-three Michelin stars and runs ‘The Spam Fusion Factory’ in Camden, told the Badger, “First of all I’m so pleased for myself, my family and mostly for myself to have tasted this food. I think I can say that on behalf of all my esteemed colleagues. Self-congratulations all round for the incredibly important work we do.”

Err, what about the dish?

“Oh yes, of course. It was exquisite. Cookery like we have never experienced before. The dehydration of the beans, the charr-kissed crusts, the bitterness of semi-mould in the dough, the hints of sourness and additives in the sauce and the subtle flavours of cardboard running through the dish. And the presentation was brilliant. It just bleeds poverty and industrial decline. It’s perfect. This raw yet visionary urban chef has so much talent. And the guy that cooked this dish is also quite good."

The ‘chef’, a somewhat bewildered, Hamish McKipper-Slipper, 53, from Sidcup, told the Badger, “Well, I was cleaning out the kitchens in the back and felt really hungry. The coast seemed clear and I really fancied beans on toast. I found a can of Lidl’s home-brand beans and the remains of a Morrison’s sliced loaf. The bread was a bit manky to be honest but I thought it would be ok. I mean, penicillin is good for you right?

Anyway, then all of a sudden some bald-headed geezer in glasses with a crazy-ass grin stormed in and told me to get my food plated, that I had twelve covers and only two minutes left.

I told him I was a cleaner and didn’t know what a cover was. He laughed, pulled another madman face, told me to stop stalling for extra time and left.

Then it struck me, as it was Christmas, they might be doing a soup kitchen thing for the homeless. Bless em, so I cut up the food into twelve tiny portions and put it on paper plates because I’m not allowed to touch expensive stuff. I found an old piece of metal sheeting to use as a tray and took out the food. I wasn’t happy because I’d burnt the toast and overcooked the beans.

Anyway, I was very surprised to find twelve people sat down at a table. I mean, only about half of them looked homeless and they all looked well fed. They all seemed very happy with the food but were talking complete gibberish. Juice reduction? Roux? Choron? Tomato foam? Marinates? Toasted soil? Charred beans? I think they might have been mentally ill. Too much time on the streets can do that to a person.

So after that, the bald guy gave me a trophy which was nice but he kept on gurning at me. I’m a bit worried he might have been having a stroke. Or a series of strokes. He should really see his doctor about that.

To end a long story short I thanked them all and went off to clean the toilets although I was a bit angry because I was still hungry and the trophy made a rubbish brush.”

Later it was revealed that the would-be award-winning chef was living under a false name and was not a cleaner. In fact, Derek Shagbernator is probably 51, from the Redhill area, wanted by police and a likely serial poisoner.

Tests later determined that the choron in Shagbernator’s signature dish was in fact marinated with arsenic. However all twelve of the diners were later confirmed ‘alive and well’.

Doctor Elvis Pavement-Surfer told the Badger “They were very lucky. A highly inflated feeling of self-worth acts as a powerful natural anecdote to otherwise fatal toxins.”