Recents in Beach

Carol singing worse than crack, says NHS in shocking claim

funny old man wearing a santa hat

Awful, jolly singers across the UK, were in outrage this morning after the NHS announced that carol singing has been reclassified as a mental illness.

Senior spokesperson, Jezebel Slack-Crackers, told the Badger, “It’s about time. The harm this disease brings, not just to those who practice it, but the poor sods that have to witness and listen to it, is off the charts. Quite frankly, It makes schizophrenia look like the sniffles. We really need to get these people off the streets.

Our recent studies have shown that Carol singers are 80% more likely to self harm than people from Swindon. And like taking crack, they know it’s wrong, ruining their looks and rotting their teeth but they just can’t stop. The crappy music, the insane feeling of happiness and the unrelenting drive to spread good cheer just takes it toll.”

Asked about how carol singing could be treated, she continued, “ Well, you have to come off it slowly. Maybe drop ‘Silent Night’ and ‘Little Star of Bethlehem’ the first few days, then leave out ‘Away in the Manager’ and ‘The First Noel’ by the end of the week. Then ditch the rest over the following weeks. Finally, throw out the Christmas jumpers and get the patient to apologise to the local town for making such an unholy racket in the first place.

Of course, supporting a Carol Singer in recovery is by no means an easy task. Patience, love and diligence towards any signs of relapse is key. So, if you see an increased interest in Cliff Richard, notice he/she wearing more red and green or, in a worst case scenario, they attempt to enforce joy on you, when all you want to do is shop in grumpy silence and watch YouTube on your phone, stamp it out. And quickly. These are all dangerous behaviours that can quickly escalate.

If you are dealing with a family or friend struck down with this debilitating condition I suggest reading my latest book ‘Carol Singing: Impact, aftermath and the precious joy of recovery’. It is rather good.”

The Church of England later tweeted, “This is wonderful news. We’re pretty sure this is the main reason Christ hasn’t turned up yet. #Secondcoming #Pleasecomebackwehaverereallyfuckeditup”