Recents in Beach

Judge Grinder

Jerry Springer as Judge Grinder Picture
A judge shocked a courtroom in Guildford yesterday by sentencing himself to five years imprisonment for incorrectly addressing a female criminal three times.

In chaotic scenes, Justice Brian Loaderbottom referred to the woman (who cannot be named for stupid reasons) as “young lady”, “nice girl” and “woman”. On each occasion, the defence lawyer objected with increasing venom to his use of “wholly inappropriate, morally bankrupt and sexually damaging language.”

Emotions ran high: fruit, vegetables and rocks were hurled towards Loaderbottom, with some even coming from the public gallery, and accompanied by a cacophony of boos and general gnashing of teeth.

After breaking his gavel, the increasingly confused and rattled judge finally returned order to the court by letting off an emergency flare, that he had bought earlier in the day as preparation for a planned boating holiday to Grimsby. He then addressed the now hushed room saying:

“In light of today’s evidence and taking into account a number of important factors, I have little choice but to impose a five-year custodial sentence on myself for crimes against humanity. I am a parasite and this misdeed should be considered as an act of utmost ideological concern. Officer please take me down!”

The male officer in question had initially struggled to understand the request and had to be prompted a further two times before escorting the judge to the holding cells. He later apologised, saying that he had been daydreaming about a recent visit to his favourite dogging site.

The female in the dock, who had recently been found guilty of murdering her boyfriend with an ornamental rowing oar after a heated argument at an ‘all you can eat’ fish and chip restaurant in Chard, Somerset was then set free. Both lawyers agreed that all sorts of indefinable human right laws had been broken and really hoped that she could somehow rebuild her life after this terrible ordeal.

A woman from the public gallery, later interviewed outside the court said:

“I’m bitterly disappointed that the sentence was not harsher. They should bring back hanging for such things!”

She then admitted she had thrown a banana and one of her stilettos at the judge but now regretted this as she was hungry and walking with an awkward gate.